daddyshack.us - Hold the Chicken and Pass the Waffles, Please

Hold the Chicken and Pass the Waffles, Please

Written by James Grayson

on 12-10-2009

Favoured : 86

The rain just kept coming. I glanced out the window every now and then looking for a boat filled with zoo animals. The family convention was not going to continue until tomorrow so we all sat around our hotel rooms trying to figure out what to do. The little kids played video games while the grandmothers baked them cookies in the kitchen. My sister mentioned ordering dinner from room service since we were all going to be stuck here for a while. "Waffles anyone?" she asked.

My cousin and I decided to go out for a walk in the rain instead of lounging in the living room listening to our Grandpa snore the 1812 Overture out of tune.

It was raining hard that day, harder than I had seen it rain in years. The creek was rising with every step we took. By the time we reached the curve of the street two blocks down, the creek was swollen over it's banks and pouring into the road.

"You can't go that way!" an old black woman shouted at us as she vigorously swept water and mud from her sidewalk only to have it come back with the next rush from the creek. "It's flooded! People are gettin' stuck out there! If you ain't the Army you ain't gettin' in!"

"I guess we are not going to take the shortcut through the park," I said. "C'mon, follow me."

"What is that place?" my cousin asked.

"It's a nature preserve but also doubles as an Army outpost. There is nothing out there but a few small cabins. The rest is woods and the creek. It's a pretty cool place to ride a bike. Some of the neighborhood kids built a dirt track with bowls and jumps on this side of the creek," I told him. "As long as you don't cause trouble the Army doesn't care if you ride down there."

We continued our walk and the rain was pelting us so hard we could barely keep our eyes open. Having an umbrella would have been a waste because it was raining sideways at this point. We made our way past the airport and the skies started to clear up. We decided we had walked far enough for no apparent reason but to get away from the rest of the family cooped up on the 23rd floor of the hotel. Cabin fever was setting in and the noise level in the hotel suite was becoming unbearable so we left for a smoke. Now that the rain was gone we both lit up a Camel, took a few drags, then headed back.

Off in the distance about a mile or more away was the nature preserve and Army outpost we passed before. Out of nowhere we see a Southwest Airlines 737 airliner and a Navy F-14 Tomcat plunge nose first into the ground next to each other.

"Holy shit! What the hell just happened?" my cousin screamed. We could see shrapnel from the planes flying through the air after the initial fire from the explosions went down.

"I have no idea," I quietly replied with my jaw dropped to my chest. "Maybe they were crash testing those planes? They did go into that nature preserve. Maybe the Army is there surveying the crashes and wreckage."

"Dude. No way. Something is wrong," he said. "Let's get back to the hotel quick!"

He tossed his cigarette into a puddle and took off running. "Wait for me!" I yelled as I took another puff, and then another, and one more. I flicked my butt into the puddle next to his and ran to catch up. As we passed the nature preserve the smoke from the crashes was getting thick. Where was the rain when you need it? No sirens. No people around. It was eerily quiet with the exception of the roaring creek off in the distance. We got about two blocks from the hotel and heard this loud noise similar to a locomotive barreling down the train tracks. It got louder and louder as the sound echoed off the tall buildings around us. Then all of the sudden, BOOM! Another airliner went straight through the front garage doors of an auto repair shop across from our hotel. Black smoke came billowing out of the front of what was left of the building and a man in a bloody white shirt walked through it with soot on his face and a cigarette dangling from his lips. His hair was singed. It must have been his shop. He looked like he was in shock, walking around the street in front never in one direction.

I looked at my cousin and he had that same face of disbelief that I had. "We have to get our family off the 23rd floor of the hotel! C'mon, hurry!" I said frantically as I bolted for the elevators. People in the lobby were scattering about and grabbing whatever they had and fleeing through every available exit. We pushed our way to the elevators and headed up to our rooms. Two, three, four, five...it was taking forever to get up there! Seventeen, eighteen, nineteen, twenty...

"Hurry up you piece of shit elevator!" I yelled.

We ran down the hallway to our rooms to help our family get out and as we rushed through the door we noticed that everybody was doing the same things they were when we left an hour ago. Grandpa had not moved from his chair and was doing an encore snore performance. The little kids were still playing video games. The whole room smelled like freshly baked chocolate chip cookies. They all stopped to look at us as we ran in soaking wet with fear in our eyes.

"Where did you guys go? asked my mother. "Were you smoking again?"

"We just went out for a walk in the rain but that's beside the point," I said in an irritated voice. "A plane just crashed into an auto shop across the street and we saw two more planes go down near the airport in a nature preserve! Something bad is happening and we need to get out of here now!"

My sister replied, "Well we just tried to order Belgian waffles from room service but their waffle maker is broken. What kind of five-star hotel doesn't have a backup waffle maker? Anyway, we decided to go to Roy Henry's Chicken and Waffles instead. Did you see one while out on your walk?"

"Huh?" I asked her, not quite sure I actually heard what I did.

"Roy Henry's Chicken and Waffles? You know, the "Famous" place," she replied.

"Are you serious? I just told you that planes are falling out of the sky and all you are thinking about are goddamn waffles?" I snapped.

"Well, everybody is hungry so if we need to leave we may as well all go out for waffles," she said.

She had a point. Why panic on an empty stomach? My cousin and I changed into dry clothes and the whole family headed for the elevators. I called down to the concierge's desk to find out where the closest Roy Henry's Famous Chicken and Waffles was but did not get an answer. I'm not surprised since there was a burning pile of fuselage across the street spewing smoke and ashes into the air. As we rode the elevators down I Googled the restaurant on my phone and found out the closest one to us was twenty miles away. Perfect. That would get us safely away from the area of attack. I called them up and a lady answered the phone, "Thank you for calling Roy Henry's Famous Chicken and Waffles. How may I help you?"

"We need a table. A big one. And please tell me your waffle maker is working," I replied anxiously.

"It is," she laughed. "We are a waffle restaurant. And we serve chicken, too!"

"Great!" I said with a kick in my voice." "There are thirty-five of us coming. Big family. And we all love waffles. Don't worry about cooking extra chicken, we're coming just for the waffles."

"Ok," she laughed again. "We'll get a table ready for you."

"Thank you!" I said as the elevator doors opened in the lobby. The hotel was almost empty except for a few employees checking the ballrooms and restrooms for any guests that might be left behind.

"You all need to leave the hotel!" a valet guy told us. "We have another hotel a few blocks down that has an underground shelter. Hurry! You will be safe there!"

"No worries," I replied to the valet guy. We are going uptown to eat some waffles. Can we get our cars?"