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Originally published July 12, 2007 - Quirkee.com
Fatherhood has been a learning experience to say the least. Other
than the Saturday parenting class at the "lady parts" doctor's office,
we had no formal training preparing us for what we were about to
endure. We were given almost every parenting guidebook on the shelves
before birth, but after reading a few chapters I just couldn't take it
anymore. When one book tells you something different than the next book
and the next book, which is right? None of them, actually. People wrote
those books knowing full well those tips and methods didn't work for
them, either. They just happened to be good writers who thought they
could make a buck or two by spewing advice in a book that should have
been labeled "fiction" and sold alongside the Harry Potter series.
There is one book I enjoyed and read all of called, "Keeping the Baby
Alive till Your Wife Gets Home." It is a humorous take on becoming a
new parent. I like funny books so that is probably why I read it cover
to cover. In the spirit of keeping parenting humor alive, I thought I
might share some of the things I have learned since becoming a new dad.
By no means is this a book I want to sell you or should you even take
this advice. Nevertheless, here comes "Alpha Bits For Your Parenting
Soul."
A - Always remember that even though you are the adult
it doesn't mean you can scream the loudest. This is certainly true when
two or more of your children practice synchronized screaming in the
fruit and vegetable aisles at the grocery store while you frantically
make a run for the beer and wine section.
B - Be careful when little ears are listening to you
talk on the phone to your friends. One slip of the tongue and your
child is teaching the preschool class new words that will get you a
phone call from the teacher.
C - Cremating your deceased pets and having their
ashes returned in a box will intrigue your toddler and creep you out a
little bit.
D - Don't forget to pack an extra change of underwear
and clothes for your son who drinks too much juice and can't make it to
the bathroom on time. If you don't, he will end up wearing his best
friend's underwear. You will also have to break the news to him someday
that he wore his best friend's Superman tighty whities and they were
too big.
E - Every time you plan on leaving the house at 9:00
AM for a trip to the grandparents you will find out that it really
means you are lucky to leave by noon.
F - Forget about ever having alone time with your
spouse unless you are planning on making another baby. Hold out hope
for the future and know your kids will be leaving for college in about
fifteen years. You can resume your relationship then.
G - Good luck finding things that get lost around the
house like the stereo remote. Your newly walking baby will learn that
if you leave the pantry door open she can help you throw things away in
the trash. Babies at that age still think trash includes your cell
phone and car keys, too.
H - "How To" books on parenting are recyclable. Save the trees.
I - Interesting things that your baby mumbles are only
interesting to you and your spouse, and maybe the grandparents, too,
but certainly not your childless unmarried friends. They would rather
you stop talking and concentrate on the task at hand, like the ballgame
on TV or that cold beer that is getting warmer as you talk.
J - Just as soon as you get your kids to sleep, the
doorbell will ring and some pushy magazine seller, petition drive
hippie (no offense to you hippies), or cleaning supplies seller will
wake them up. A "No Soliciting" sign worked for me, as did
disconnecting my doorbell.
K - Krabby Patties will become a household term.
L - Lecturing your toddler about why he cannot ride
his tricycle in the street does not work as well as screaming, "Look
out for that car!" and watching his tires screech at the end of the
driveway. Who cares if the car was parked? Sometimes you have to scare
them a little.
M - Menus at a restaurant for children are just
another way for them to suck money out of your wallet. Most kids never
eat all that food and it goes to waste. Let them eat free crackers and
feed them more when you get home.
N - Never take any of the stuff I have written seriously.
O - Ordering pizza is a great way to avoid the hassle
of cooking but not a great way to stay in shape. Once the kids leave
for college you can worry about getting back in shape since your
relationship with your spouse will heat up again.
P - Pee-pee is the obvious choice for this letter.
Pee-pee on the floor, pee-pee on your clothes, pee-pee in the car seat,
pee-pee on the dog, and pee-pee pretty much everywhere else but the
toilet where it belongs.
Q - Questionable items that might be choking hazards
really are hazards. Just plan on removing everything smaller than a
softball from your house until your child gets over the urge to taste
stuff that isn't food. If you have a dog you should scoop the poop. You
really don't want your child choking on dog crap.
R - Receipts are something to always keep. If your
kids break a toy you can blame it on poor construction and most stores
will take it back.
S - Sleep is something you will learn to live without
until you take a road trip and let your spouse do the driving while you
take shots of Children's Benadryl.
T - Take your camera with you whenever possible. You
don't want to miss that sweet hug between brother and sister on the
playground or the shot of little sister grabbing big brother's shorts
and yanking them down on the monkey bars.
U - Unless you enjoy not having any friends you should
never lecture parents on the best way to raise their children. While I
have never done this myself, I have seen it happen.
V - Vacuum cleaners are a great way to drown out that
annoying baby and toddler sing-along CD your child insists on hearing
again.
W - Weekends are when you are able to get a ton of stuff done. Good luck with that.
X - X-Rays at the doctor's office are covered by
insurance when your seven-month old crawls headfirst off the bed onto
the hardwood floor. Oops.
Y - Years go by and it seems like yesterday.
Z - Zippers on pants and shorts can pose a safety risk
to your son's you-know-what. It's not just us dads who wear boxers that
have to be careful.
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